LoK Jeopardy
by PhoenixAS Comics
Summary: Trebek is dead... the Circle is flat out broke... what do do? Sell out! Three contestants proving themselves as idiots and a new hostess! (thanks) What's this? Someone get's an answer right?
1. It begins

Disclaimer: I don't own Jeopardy or The Legacy of Kain.  
  
LoK- Jeopardy!  
  


AN: That's right, I stooped this low. Flame me.  
  
Somewhere in the Sarafan Stronghold, a meeting of the Circle.  
  
Mortanius: It's come to our attention that... well to put it as nicely as possible, we're flat broke and Nupraptor's been missing for three months.  
  
Kain: Good riddance.   
  
Mortanius: Don't like Nuppy, eh?  
  
Kain: Love 'em. If this place closes down I won't have to see any of your ugly asses again!  
  
Bane: You realise you're still on our Christmas lists, don't you?  
  
Kain: ... presents, or honesty? I love you all!  
  
Malek: Frigging Vampire. You're about as bad as Vorador.  
  
Azimuth: May I mention that he never streaked in the Stronghold?  
  
Malek: ... almost as bad.  
  
DeJoule: And what are we to do of our financial crisis?

Moebius: Two words. Sell out. 

Mortanius: I love it.  
  
Kain: I hate it.  
  
Malek: I love it.  
  
Kain: I hate it.  
  
DeJoule: I love it. 

Kain: I love Ozzy!

Bane: I love it.

Kain: Hey, who touched my @$$?!  
  
Anarcrothe: I love it.  
  
Azimuth: I love it.

Kain: Fine! Don't forget that I'M in charge!

Malek: Kcirp.  
Kain: What?  
  
Mortanius: Don't mind him when he backward talks.   
  
Azimuth: Fine, we'll sell out. Now that our schedule has been royally screwed, let's send in today's first complaint.  
  
Alex Trebek: I'm through! I quit! Sean Connery won't quit with the gay jokes and calling my mother a whore! Deal with it! (puts a gun in his mouth and-  
  
*BAM*  
  
-yeah)  
  
Kain: Damn! Good blood gone bad.  
  
Malek: Mucs eripmav etareneged.  
  
Moebius: (giggles) I couldn't agree more.  
  
Bane: I have a plan! We host his old show, our way!  
  
Kain: I get to be on TV?!   
  
Anarcrothe: Great, that's all we need- to let the whole of Nosgoth know that THIS imbecile runs us!  
  
Kain: This imbecile will run you *through* if you don't shut it.  
  
DeJoule: But who will host it?  
  
Mortanius: Some low pay, cheap humour author who doesn't know how out of league he is.  
  
My place

Sephiroth0201: (shudders) I think someone's stepping on my grave.  
  
Meeting of the Circle, Bane is reading off a list of possible authors.  
  
Bane: Concept of a Demon-  
  
Mortanius: Isn't stupid enough to fall for it.  
  
Bane: - Syvia-  
  
Mortanius: Too talented.  
  
Bane: -Sephiroth0201-  
  
Mortanius: Hey, aren't I a main character in one of his stories?  
  
Moebius: Aye, and he had me cut off a heretic's balls in one!  
  
Bane: I nailed DeJoule once!  
  
Anarcrothe: I actually had an appearance.

Malek: He seems to like me. He's a total moron as well.  
  
Azimuth: Sounds good so far, but what does out ever so invincible leader think of it?  
  
Kain: I noted the sarcasm. Yeah, you'll tell me he hates no-balls stick boy too.  
  
Mortanius: Actually...  
  
/Later that day\  
  
Sephiroth0201: No way?! Me, on TV?  
  
Kain: That's what I said! However my ass ain't as bad to peer upon as yours.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Don't make me get the photo album from Chibi Kain out!  
  
Malek: CHIBI Kain? Now that caught my attention.  
  
Kain: Fine, you'll do. Dos.   
  
Sephiroth0201: Ssa.  
  
Both: Heheheh...  
  
Mortanius: Now comes the fee. Due to lack of outside funding, we can only afford $5 per show.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Five bucks? No prob, here you go. (Tosses down a $5 bill)  
  
Mortanius: You really are an idiot, aren't you?  
  
Sephiroth0201: Why, is that a 10?  
  
Moebius: I prophecies a beautiful friendship.  
  
Sephiroth0201: So when am I going to be on TV?  
  
Azimuth: The show's on in fifteen. Holy-! We already sold the place out!   
  
Kain: It must have been my naturel charm.   
  
Moebius: Or my luscious hair.  
  
Malek: But you're bald. Oh, I get it! You think Kain's ass ugly!  
  
Kain: Boy, a whooping is about to be thrown your way!  
  
Camera man: Hurry up, the shows about to start!

A dark room

A large screen flickers on in the background. Words scroll up.

-Trebek is dead... the Circle is in peril... we swift talked a dumbass writer to host... and the Legacy of Kain continues!  


  
  


*Applause*  
  
The room lights up.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Hello and welcome to LoK Jeopardy, the show where three contestants of monumental arrogance and pride (stupidity aside) square off to show who's the smartest of these three races. Vampire, human and other. The contestant representing other refused to be called empty helmet heads. And now, meet out contestants! For vampires, Kain!  
  
*Cheers and applause*  
  
Kain: (flexes his muscles) I weigh 220 and it's all dead flesh, wanna?  
  
Sephiroth0201: For humans, the mighty Necromancer Mortanius.

*Applause*  
  
Mortanius: I'm gonna win because I'm Kain's daddy man, and unlike him my hair's still black. (Check legacyofkain. Com to see his Defiance form)

Sephiroth0201: Finally, I present to you the Paladin Malek, famed killer of vampires who detests this show so badly we welded him to his podium.

*someone throws a can at him*  
  
Malek: Ow! When I get free I'm gonna find where you live and piss on your lawn!  
  
Sephiroth0201: And now for our categories. 1. The director of Soul Reaver 2. The original title for Blood Omen 3. Something I sit on 4. Adil Doshot, who may I remind you is the most famous author in Nosgoth 5. Reason's we didn't need to frisk Malek on the way in 6. Reason's we did frisk Kain on the way in, and 7. The Lion King of Willendorf.

Kain, seeing as you're the title character, pick a category.  
  
Kain: Alright, how about... A dildo shot for $400?  
  
Sephiroth: Wha- It' ADIL DOSHOT not a dildo shot!  
  
Malek: Bet it has something to do with 3. Something you sit on, eh?  
  
Sephiroth0201: (frowns) Let's just go with The Lion King of Willendorf for $600. The answer is, he's the only King in the Legacy of Kain that ain't the Nemesis.  
  
Silence.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Kain, you fought alongside him!  
  
Mortanius buzzes in.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Mortanius.  
  
Mortanius: Simba!  
  
Sephiroth0201: Jesus- what are you, a Necromancer or an idiot?!  
  
Kain buzzes in.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Kain.  
  
Kain: Who is Simba?  
Sephiroth0201: It's not Simba!

Malek buzzes in.

Sephiroth0201: I know where this is going...

Malek: What is Simba?  
  
Sephiroth0201: I knew it. It's OTTMAR! OTTMAR the Lion King! Alright, the new category is The Leader of the Dumahim Vampire clan. Malek, just pick a category.  
  
Malek: I'll take the new one.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Alright, for $400 the answer is as follows. His name starts with Duma.  
  
The silence continues unabated.  
  
Sephiroth: For god's sake Kain, he's your third son!  
Kain buzzes in.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Shoot.  
  
Kain: Who is Tony Jay?  
  
Sephiroth0201: No!  
  
Malek buzzes in.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Just say it.  
  
Malek: Say what?

Sephiroth0201: You buzzed in!  
  
Malek: No I didn't!  
  
Kain: He's telling the truth.  
  
Sephiroth0201: No he isn't, he's a damn liar!  
  
Mortanius buzzes in.  
  
Mortanius: Who is Mortanius?!  
  
Sephiroth0201: Who are you!?  
  
Mortanius buzzes in.

Mortanius: Mortanius!!  
  
Sephiroth0201: ENOUGH! Alright, the score's at negative $1000 for Kain, Mortanius and Malek. I hope this isn't coming out of my salary. Alright, we'll be back after a commercial break with double Jeopardy.  
  
-indeterminable amount of time later-  
  
Sephiroth0201: Alright, we're back. Having seen the contestants phenomenal knowledge prior, we picked categories that they couldn't possibly screw up on. They are as follows.   
  
-Months that start with Octobe  
  
-What's Kain's name  
  
-Are Umah's breasts real  
  
-What's in Malek's head  
  
-Pick the apple

-Scratch your head  
  
-Who is this a photo of  
  
Alright, Mortanius pick a category.  
  
Mortanius: I'll choose pick the apple for $800.

Sephiroth0201: Alright. (Places an apple, and orange and two banana's on the table) Pick the apple!  
  
Mortanius: No prob! (Picks up the orange)  
  
Sephiroth0201: I never thought it possible. WRONG!  
  
Malek buzzes in.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Just pick the damn apple.  
  
Malek: Is it this one? (Picks up a banana)  
  
Sephiroth0201: NO!!  
  
Kain runs up and grabs the banana.  
  
Kain: Who is this one?  
  
Sephiroth0201: NONONONO!!  
  
Kain: Damn!  
  
Sephiroth: It's a goddamn apple! How hard is it to pick!? Kain, take it away!  
  
Kain: The apple?  
  
Sephiroth0201: Pick a category!  
  
Kain: Alright, Who is this a photo of for 200?

Sephiroth0201: I'm about to show you a picture of Malek. (Flashes a photo) Who was that?  
  
Kain: Me?  
Sephiroth0201: No...  
Mortanius buzzes in.  
  
Mortanius: Who is I?  
  
Sephiroth0201: Learn to speak!  
  
Malek buzzes in.  
  
Malek: Who are you?  
  
Sephiroth0201: No! For god's sake it's you!  
  
Malek: My turn?  
  
Sephiroth0201: The photo! Erg, just tell me if Umah's Breasts are real for $400...  
  
Kain buzzes in.  
  
Sephiroth0201: This should be good.  
  
Kain: My son doesn't have implants!

Sephiroth0201: It's UMAH not DUMAH!  
  
And more silence.  
  
Sephiroth0201: Great. Kain is in third with -2400, and the other two are tied for first with-2000. Let's just go to final Jeopardy. And the Category is... ah hell, just draw a picture of yourself.   
  
*The room get's dark and the usual theme plays. Time's up*  
  
Sephiroth0201: Alright, times up! Let's see how badly you screwed up. Kain?  
  
Kain: Heheheh...  
  
Sephiroth0201: You drew four half circles, two small ones inside two large ones. And you bet, the other half of the circles, making very badly drawn breasts. Great.  
  
Kain: Their Umah's. Did you know she has implants?  
  
Sephiroth0201: Why didn't you answer that earlier!?  
  
Kain: Because I hate you, Mike!  
  
Sephiroth0201: Great. Wonderful. Sweet! And let's see what Mortanius drew. He drew a photo of the energizer bunny. And it's still going... how the hell did you screw this up?  
  
Mortanius: You mean I don't look like that?!  
  
Sephiroth0201: What the hell ever. Now Malek. And he drew.. !! A well detailed picture of his upper body whilst a human!   
  
Malek: The good old days.  
  
Sephiroth0201: And he wagered... the bottom half of the photo, which involves his and my mother bent over. If you don't mind, I'm going to scour my eyes out. The first guy who reviews can take over for all I care!  
Malek: That was a good day in particular. Heheh.  
  
Thank you, read again!  
  


Next time- Vorador, Raziel and William the Just.


	2. hey, a kill

Disclaimer: Reference the last disclaimer.  
  
AN: I am going to do two things in this chapter, A) Kill that son of a bitch Tabris, and B) hire sylvanon the wolf gurl. Read or do not read, that is the death threat.  
  
Author: (snaps into existence behind you) Hey Concept, and the rest of you...   
  
LOK Jeopardy  
  
Chapter 2: The Killing Begins... Then Ends  
  
A meeting of the Circle, as always. Nupraptor is still on Nosgoth's most wanted, Mortanius is bragging about having darker hair than Kain, Malek managed to remove the podium from his breast plate (albeit badly) Bane and DeJoule are making out, Moebius is playing with a Time Streaming device, Anarcrothe melted off the other half of his face and was rushed to the hospital and finally, Azimuth is a disappeared hooker. Oh, some annoying guy is attempting to barge in as well.  
  
Kain: Anyone else notice that god awful smell?  
  
Mortanius: I'm sorry, I can't smell anything past my own hair. I use only the best shampoo and conditioners on it. How else does it look so young?  
  
Kain: You realize how badly that annoys me?  
  
Malek buzzes in.  
  
Malek: Somehow I think he does.  
  
Bane and DeJoule continue.  
  
Moebius: Allow me to check when he last shampooed his hair.   
  
Several runes blink in and out of existence on it.  
  
Moebius: Negative three seconds? *glances at Mortanius, who is about to wash his hair again* Ah.  
  
Kain: Hey, ward. Would you quit doing that?  
  
Guess who buzzes in.  
  
Malek: I only managed to get rid of the podium. The buzzer is still welded to my forearm.  
  
The loud banging at the door continues.  
  
Kain: Dear almighty me, what the hell is that?  
  
Mortanius: *has both hands in his hair* The smell or the door being beat upon?  
  
Malek: Allow me.   
  
He proceeds to make his way to the door and kicks it open, sending we all know who into the wall behind him/ahead of Malek.   
  
Tabris: Ow! Like the actual Malek would kick a door open!  
  
Moebius: After annoying him this long, he would have appeared behind you and cut you open from your ass to the base of your skull.   
  
Mortanius: *now blow drying his hair* Too true.  
  
Kain: Damn, he is the smell.  
  
Tabris: What do you expect, I've been at those doors since last Thursday!   
  
Malek buzzes in incessantly.  
  
Tabris: Hey, that's out of character!  
  
Malek: Blow the ashen remains of a certain part of me.  
  
Kain: Burn. On another subject, you realize we only meet on Wednesdays?  
  
Tabris: Oh.  
  
Mortanius: And that the facilities are just down the halls. This is a building you realize.   
  
Tabris: *getting embarrasses* Yeah, I, I knew that...  
  
Kain: It looks as though we're getting a look at your character.   
  
Tabris: Look, I just want you guys to act like you did in the games!  
  
Malek: You want me to attack every vampire in sight, claim it be a religious matter and want to feed that which is within the place between Vorador crotch and gizzard to his brides?  
  
Mortanius: Ah yes, I would drone on about how ironic it is that Kain and I are sustained in our deaths and become possessed by a Hylden.  
  
Tabris: It's not that hard!  
  
Kain: Then allow us to show you ourselves whilst in character.  
  
Mortanius whistles, and a group of brigands sneak up on and murder Tabris. He then rips open his chest and inserts the Heart of Darkness to revive him as a vampire.  
  
Tabris: Help me God!  
  
Kain: I am God, the Dark God of Nosgoth.   
  
He proceeds to cast him into the abyss. Tabris becomes the lifeless husk Raz is, minus the wings, and rests on the bed of the abyss. He rises.  
  
Tabris: I've become a Soul Reaver!! Haha, now let's see them pick on me! I'm beyond all of them!  
  
Elder God: Is that so..?  
  
Tabris: Aw, damn.  
  
Several tentacles begin to tear him apart, as they will for all eternity... smart monkey indeed.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
[Later that day]  
  
Kain is strolling down a street in Meridian, a crumpled piece of paper in his hands. Red Raven Pub, 7PM. He glanced around the general area. Sarafan, thug, Sarafan, hooker, Nupraptor, Sarafan, girl wearing all blue with gold eyes, claws, silver hair and blue wings extending from her back, Sarafan, someone auctioning off a pair of testicles he found in the abyss, hooker, Sarafan.  
  
Sylvanon: Hey Kain.  
  
Kain: You the girl who's applying for a job?  
  
Sylvanon: That's me. I was in the previous author's will...  
  
Kain: You got his PS2?  
  
Sylvanon: I got his job.   
  
Kain: Close enough. Alright, back to the set, we're live in twenty minutes.   
  
Sylvanon: What am I doing again?  
  
Kain: Hahahah, goodo one. *starts to bat form*  
  
Sylvanon: No really, it wasn't specified in the will!!  
  
Too late of course.  
  
*  
  
In the studio, which it much better looking that previously due to the insane popularity of Nosgoth's greatest figures looking like idiots.  
  
Mortanius: *glances at Sylvanon* You must be the knew host.  
  
Sylvanon: Now way! I'm hosting Jeopardy. Freaky eyes.  
  
Mortanius: You think this is odd? Look at Turel.  
  
Off in the distance, Turel and Raziel are squaring off.  
  
Raziel: I did not fall into the abyss, I was cast in by my own brethren.  
  
Turel: *hunched down on all fours and has milky white(and useless) eyes* It remembers that, does it? I heard what of what you did to our brothers, and now you've come for me?  
  
Mortanius: Quit rehearsing for Defiance!!  
  
Turel: Ah, my ears! Do you mind? I'll see to it that you get cast in my pit next!  
  
Mortanius: NOT LIKELY.   
  
Turel: *collapses in pain*   
  
Raziel: Ack, my ears!  
  
Kain: Yeah, yeah. Alright, let's see... Host.  
  
Sylvanon: Present.  
  
Kain: Idiot number one.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Kain: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: ...  
  
Mortanius: ...  
  
Malek: ... *hits the buzzer*  
  
Kain: *throws a desk at Malek* Dammit Raz, just say 'present'!  
  
Raziel: Preset.  
  
Sylvanon giggles.  
  
Kain: Good enough. William the Just.   
  
The silence continues unabated.  
  
Kain: Where the hell is Willy?  
  
Moebius: Vorador hasn't shown up either.  
  
Kain: Dammit Azimuth, this was your job! *points the Reaver at her empty seat, enraged* Damn! I forgot... ward, do my bidding!  
  
Malek: You're biddings end outside the washroom this time.  
  
Mortanius: You can order this guy around!?  
  
Malek: Great...  
  
Kain: Get Vorador and Willy!!  
  
Malek: I'm on it. Epiwssa.   
  
Kain: And no more backwards talk!  
  
Malek: Mange la merde.  
  
Kain: Why is it that you find it necessary to speak in French?  
  
Moebius: Well his development name was Guillaume.  
  
Malek: I could sleep easier knowing that was a secret.  
  
Turel, behind sound proof glass points and laughs mutely at Malek.  
  
Malek: ... I hate this job. *teleports away*  
  
Kain: Alright, everyone else! Get in your places.  
  
***  
  
The show is being played live as always. The room lights up and everyone is in their places, oddly enough. Sylvanon starts her off.  
  
Sylvanon: Hello and welcome to LoK Jeopardy, the show where the points are a low as the contestant's respective IQ's. Let's meet the contestants. First up, on behalf of Vampires is Vorador, fabled pimp daddy of Termogent Forest.  
  
Vorador: Call your dogs... my brides packed me bologna sandwiches!   
  
Syvlanon: ... Right. For humans we have the egomaniacal Nemesis who once held siege to all of Nosgoth, then never did because Kain killed him before it all started.   
  
William: Pray tell Sylvanon, what game are playing?  
  
Sylvanon: LoK Jeopardy. It's written on a twenty foot billboard right behind you. And last off, we have the Raziel filling in 'others'.  
  
Raziel: Vae Victus, low to the conquered.  
  
Sylvanon: Stop me if I'm wrong, bu–   
  
Raziel: You're wrong.  
  
Sylvanon: You didn't hear what I had to say.  
  
Raziel: And I said: "No more yogurt Elder God!", but he didn't listen...  
  
Sylvanon: I'm starting to see why the last guy put a gun in his mouth. Alright, let's take a look at the categories.  
  
Things Raziel lost in the abyss__Things Raziel would look like if he wore white pants__Old gods__Guys with spears__Guys who wish they had spears__How many hearts of Darkness are there__Characters who never made it past the first game  
  
Vorador, why don't you start?  
  
William: Because he's a damn Vampire!  
  
Vorador: Racist! You damn racist!  
  
Sylvanon: Alright, William is going first.  
  
Vorador: All of you are racists!   
  
They all look at Raziel.  
  
Raziel: I hate the Franch.  
  
Malek's voice off screen: Prick!  
  
William: *sighs angrily*  
  
Vorador: You seem stressed. I know the perfect way to relieve it. A night of fun with one of my brides for only–  
  
Sylvanon: Deal with this after the show.  
  
Vorador: fifty–  
  
Sylvanon: Enough!!  
  
Others buzzes in.  
  
Raziel: You know, I haven't had a night of fun since Kain had me executed.  
  
William: It's physically imposible.  
  
Sylvanon: Raziel, pick a category.   
  
Raziel: All right, I choose... Why it's physically impossible for $600.  
  
Sylvanon: Choose one of the categories I listed.  
  
Raziel: I can't.  
  
Sylvanon: Why not?  
  
Raziel: I'm completely illiterate.  
  
Sylvanon: You read the names off of the murals depicting you and your brethren in both Soul Reaver games.  
  
Raziel: ... Old gods for $600.  
  
Sylvanon: But you just... Er, the answer is: He is the Oldest God in the Legacy of Kain.  
  
Humans buzzes in.  
  
William: Saint Anger.  
  
Sylvanon: No.  
  
Vampires buzzes in.  
  
Vorador: North Kaio.  
  
Sylvanon: No. The answer was 'The Elder God'.  
  
Raziel: Who the hell is he?  
  
Sylvanon: He's the creature torturing the poor sap who flamed.  
  
Raziel: Ah, Shitty the Squiddy.  
  
Vorador: Shitty? I thought he became a big religious figure back in August?  
  
Sylvanon: He was the religious icon of the Pillars since before Vorador.  
  
Vorador: You mean that make belief God Janos fed souls to that 'lived' in a large pool? I thought he was on LSD at the time.   
  
Sylvanon: Enough with the spoilers already. Raziel, you're still in the lead so choose again.  
  
Raziel: Alright, let's see... Old gods for $200.  
  
Sylvanon: This Vampire was worshipped as the Blood God beneath Avernus.  
  
To prevent any spoilers, I'll refer to him with his classic name.  
  
William: Superman.   
  
Sylvanon: What? No!  
  
Vorador: The unspoken.  
  
Sylvanon: No. The rig– Wait! He got it right!  
  
Vorador: I know my pricks.  
  
Raziel: That you do.  
  
William: Burn.  
  
Sylvanon: Alright, you got one right so choose.  
  
Vorador: Things Raziel would look like if he wore white pants. For $400.   
  
Sylvanon: And the answer is: Raziel would look like this is he wore white pants. Vague.  
  
William: Steve Urkle.  
  
Sylvanon: No.   
  
William: Damn! That's -1000 dollars!  
  
Sylvanon: 1200 by my count.  
  
William: Crap!  
  
Raziel: Steve Austin!  
  
Sylvanon: It's not a Steve. It's a smurf you damn ball less smurf!  
  
Raziel: What's a smurf?  
  
Sylvanon: Two things. You, and the correct answer.  
  
Raziel: What's my score at?  
  
Sylvanon: Negative 200.  
  
Raziel: Darn.  
  
Sylvanon: Let's just get going with Final Jeopardy. Let's see... What was the last game you appeared in.   
  
The lights dim and the Jeopardy theme plays. They all start to scribble except Vorador.  
  
Sylvanon: Alright, let's see what they have. Vorador, you didn't write a thing.  
  
Vorador: I had to write it? Aw crap!!  
  
Sylvanon: Yes you did. Next is William the Just. He wrote 'The Pillars of Nosgoth."  
  
William the Just: That was the development name for Blood Omen.  
  
Sylvanon: We only accept the final names.   
  
William: What? I wagered all of it!! Damn!  
  
Sylvanon: And finally, we have Raz. He wrote: Defiance. That's correct! How much did you wager?  
  
Raziel: We had to wager!? DAMN!!  
  
Sylvanon: How out of character was that?  
  
They all glare at her.  
  
Sylvanon: Right. I'll see all of you next week.  
  
END OF CHAPTER  
  
Review. Now. Thank you, come again! 


End file.
